Friday, September 26, 2008

I'm a Hormonal Mess of a Girl or Why Long Distance Relationships Suck

Be warned now because I'm pretty sure this is going to turn into a raging, ranting, incoherent, and quite possibly pathetic mess of a post. Seriously, this is your warning.

I am currently suffering from being a girl. For some unknown reason, today (and yesterday and the day before and the day get the idea) I am an emotional wreck. The logical side of my brain is like "OMG, Kristi, you're being so ridiculous" and the illogical/crazy/uncontrollable side is like "Stop picking on me! You're so mean. I HATE YOU". This constant conflict is wreaking havoc on me. I think it's causing wrinkles.

I am just not having a great day at work. I'm terrified of going any further because complaining about work seems like a risky thing to do to the entire Internet world. I don't even know why I'm having such a rough day. It probably doesn't even have anything to do with work, but more with the whole crazy psychotic emotional war my brain has decided to inflict on itself. You know that episode of Sex and the City where Samantha doesn't get a certain client (Richard) because she had slept with someone he knew, and then she has to make it to the elevator so no one sees her cry because crying at the work place is a sign of weakness, and no one wants to be weak? (I think that's the longest run-on sentence I've ever written) Remember that episode? Well, that's my day. Not the whole losing a client because I slept with someone, but the crying part. I feel on the verge of crying constantly and for, apparently, no reason.

Since I've figured out that work is only like 10% of what is wrong with me, I have to figure out everything else. I think one big part of it is that I miss my friends and my family. A lot. More than I really thought I would when I moved here. I haven't met a lot of people in the year that I've lived here. I'm either working or taking care of Kaeli, and it doesn't leave a lot of time for meeting people. Plus, I don't really fit in with the people I have met. Not that staying in the same place would have helped because a lot of them have scattered to, and I don't really get to talk to them as much as I want to. My dad, mom, and sister all left Texas years ago, and my little core group of friends became my family. I don't even know if they all realize how much I love and care about them. I just miss them. I miss having fun smart girls to hang out with. I miss having friends around that know me and love me no matter what.

I'm also pretty sure it has a lot to do with this long distance relationship crap. I know I shouldn't complain because so many people have way worse than I do, but being apart sucks. Especially when I'm having the week that I'm having. I seriously just need a hug from him. It is so frustrating to know that he's The One, but we're still spending all of this time apart. I understand that we can't see each other every weekend. He has things to do and plans and obligations. I really do get it, but if I complain even the tiniest bit about it we end up in some stupid argument. An argument in which my normally logical and fabulous self turns into an irrational brat. It's all just so ridiculous and sounds so pathetic when I read it back to myself.

I just feel so stuck sometimes. My job isn't what I thought it would be, and I really don't like this town I live in. I have an escape plan, but I feel like picking Kaeli up and moving her in the middle of a school year seems unbelievably mean. I'm a bona fide Army brat, and I hated moving in the middle of the year. I think about moving next summer, but I feel guilty for wanting to uproot her at all. She's been through more than most 6 year olds should have to go through (whole other sad story), and I just want to do what is best for her.

I'm even having trouble with the idea of publishing this. I really don't like to be vulnerable and emotional. It's really not my bag. I like to keep things fun and light. I'm sorry to unleash my hot mess ramblings onto the poor and unsuspecting Internets, but I needed to vent or face the real possibility of spontaneously combusting from all the inner turmoil. Hope y'all don't mind.


Jessica said...

Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through so much!! I'm not going to patronize you with the usual "it'll get better" rhetoric. Just hang in there and keeping blogging away! I've found that writing about my feelings is a great way to vent and hopefully you feel a little (even if it's just a smidgen) better after getting it off your chest! (((HUGS)))

Cherish said...

OMG vent away missy! I go through those times too, we all do and Im sure those GD hormones will chill the f**k out and you'll be back to your normal fab self in no time. My bf left for work back in May and we ended it pretty soon after that simply because I couldnt do the long distance thing. I have spent every day since regretting that decision and wishing I could be with him again even if I didnt see him for years.

Melissa said...

Got to admit I love the that you are selfless in this decision. To think about your daughter even though you are going through so much more than what she could from moving is astounding to me, not saying that I wouldn't put my daughter first either I just can't say that I had ever been in a situation. It's a scary thing to admit feelings due to feeling "weak". I totally love that episode with Sam because it really hits home with a lot of women. I wish that I could be my complete honest self when it comes to problems but I have so much fear of feeling imperfect. But when I read that people like you and my SIL (Cherish) can do it and get so much support makes me think about my problems and how most of them are related to other peoples, that I'm not alone.
Hope all goes well for you, everything's hard when your in that moment and we all get over so much we forget how strong we become through it all, this is just one more thing to make you strong (enter another stereotype answer to seem sappy) .. lol

Astarte said...

Come live near me!!! I can't promise that I'll be smart, but I'll be your RL friend, and we'll laugh a lot!

Seriously, though, take a deep breath, eat some chocolate ice cream, and make some calls. Talk to people who love you. I know it's really hard not having any friends where you are. It's so hard to meet people as an adult, isn't it?!

Anonymous said...

Chin up. Meet me for Margarita's and about Mexico?

Love ya!